How To Be The Sober Friend At A Party
by LyssaRosee
Summary: Santana Lopez actually does her English homework for once.


_I own none of this except the essay which is almost the exact essay I handed in as one of my final grades my senior year and got an A. Clearly my teacher wasnt uptight at all._

Santana Lopez October 24, 2010

Writing Workshop How To Essay

The situation is a timeless one its Friday night, your at a party, the keg is flowing, the music is loud. The only way this strays from any Jon Hughes film is that you are sipping on a soda and no nerd is demanding your panties. It is annoying being the only sober person in the room, whether it's because of a lame personal life choice or you drew the designated driver straw. Nobody likes being the hair holding, car key hider. You feel like a Debbie Downer, and you might just lose a few friends after seeing what morons they are when drunk.

_ Santana hated the nights when she had to DD for Britt and a few of the other Cheerios but after a drunk driving accident had killed a few skanky chicks from Carmel the local PD had cracked down on teens drunk driving for reals. The Cheerios best idea for avoiding this was to make the girl who failed at Thursdays weigh in DD, unfortunately for Santana her new implants had put her 13 ounces over her marker._

The key to dealing with a room full of drunk people is to not let them know your sober, they will sniff you out and intentionally irritate you to the point of homicide. Red plastic cups are your friend, nobody can see what is in them, grab one as soon as you walk in the door and don't put it down for the rest of the night. Drunk people will assume you want a refill and load it with whatever is in their own cups. Don't get mad at them if it does happen, drunk people are too stupid to realize that what your saying is like totally smart and they puke a lot so just walk away. . Simply smile and replace the alcohol with soda as soon as possible, this can be done effectively by pretending you have to take a leak or acting like you see somebody hotter.

_ Santana knew that not drinking at one of Karofskys parties was the fastest ways to slushy town with all the other losers so she grabbed herself a red beer cup and poured some water in, if anyone asked she was downing vodka like fricken Ke$ha._

There is a fine balance to faking drunk effectively, luckily your audience is an inebriated one. If everybody is slightly tipsy you shouldn't have to do anything more than speak loudly or sway a little. The tricky group is the very drunk, they want you to be loud, clumsy, and lacking in inhibitions just like them but you cant actually do that without feeling like a tard. The best two things to do is to either establish yourself early on as a quiet drunk, stay sitting down as much as possible, and share "secrets" with any body who talks to you. That has two positive effects, it makes people assume you've drank enough to lose your filter and it gives you something to do to amuse yourself . Telling a drunk stranger the captivating story of the extra pinkie fingers you were born with, or maybe about your experience as an alien abductee is always entertaining. The other option is if you are like super hot just act hella slutty, people always assume hot slutty people are hammered.

_ She had to admit messing with the drunk hockey players was really fun, she had already convinced two of them that acting gay was the best way to get girls because they totally trust you that way. Plus she got to mack on Britt in public which was awesome._

If you are there with friends it is your responsibility as the sober one to watch out for them. This can mean a lot for different things for your own general health. You should prevent and regrettable hookups, do this by either jumping on the bomb/grenade and flirting with the person yourself or creating a fake emergency and pulling your friend away. You must also prevent any table dancing, keg stands in skirts, and urinating on indoor house plants. Probably your biggest job will be hair holding . This is mad gross but a well prepared sober person keeps a hair tie and breath mints on them. Spend enough nights like this and you may even master the art of text messaging while gently rubbing their backs and keeping your head turned away from the smell. When you can do this consider getting yourself some more responsible friends.

_ If she has to guide one more trashed Cheerio away from another skuzzy stoner who only get invited to these parties for their primo weed she's going to barf. Plus the kind of anorexic looking freshmen flyer is barfing and even though Santana is a pro and already has the girls hair pulled back and has taken the potential blackmail worthy pics its still smells really gross. Plus that total desperate b-team cheerslut Maggie keeps trying to do cartwheels, like she's not wearing her uniform with a thong or something. Ew._

Some may say that you shouldn't have to pretend to be drunk if you don't drink but the truth is that its actually fun. You get all the freedom of being drunk and none of the consequences. It also presents you a unique opportunity in that you are a sober person accepted into the drunk fold. You can take all of the humiliating photos you want and they wont question it. Next time your best friend is acting a little holier than thou you can pull out the picture you have saved of them snuggling with a pool boy in the bath tub. They will never again look down on you for lapsed religion, poor dating habits, or dorky hobbies.

_ Santana sat there rubbing the freshmen's back and going through all of her best pictures when she got to one that made her actually snort. It was of a very passed out Puck and Quinn snuggled up in the bathtub at Mikes from a Glee party over the summer._

You also get to hear all the secrets people tell and not forget about them by the next day. Now you know all about how your friend made out with her cousin at a family reunion, or how your other friend likes to eat peanut butter straight from the jar while he watches Project Runway. You should file these away for later use. Someday soon you might need to get back at this person and now you have the ammo as long as you know they don't have anything better on you. This can also be used for the powers of good, maybe as an eye opener at their intervention or to discuss their destructive obsession with Heidi Klum.

_ Santana listened intently as Maggie detailed the torrid affair between her and her cousin, making a mental note of it to get rid of the human herpe once and for all. She listened to Kurt's troublesome confession about his love of the leggy supermodel. While Santana was totally on board with the fact that Heidi Klum was bangin she was a little worried about Kurt ( who had grown on her during his time with the Cheerios through his kindness and patience with Britt ) and would def be talking to him about this later._

Another more serious perk of being sober is that there will always be a logical sober person around to drive somebody home or talk them down from an unevenly matched fight. You cant always reason with a drunk person but being sober will always give you the advantage. They are like toddlers and easy to trick into handing you the keys or coming to get cake instead of fighting. They might fight you and say mean things but you have to keep pushing. The biggest key is to not worry about them being mad at you because its not them really, but the demon alcohol throwing a hissy fit in the backseat demanding Taco Bell or falafel.

_ Trashed Brittany wanted tacos and Hammered Kurt wanted Greek food before they went home, plus the skeletal freshmen kept picking fights with girls twice her size. Santana was so ready for this night to end._

The last thing you have to do is round everybody up. Start the process about forty-five minutes before you really need to go. Send out a text to everybody your driving stating a meeting place i.e. the front door, by the couch, or if you think their not too trashed then by the car. Then wait about ten minutes and go hunt down anybody who doesn't answer you. If your looking for female friends it should be as easy as checking the bathroom and bedrooms. Male friends tend to be a little more tricky, start where the most alcohol is and work outwards in a spiral from there, checking under tables, in closets, under couch cushions, and in the bath tub. Once you've located everybody's general location enlist any available help in getting them to the car. This may include but not be limited to the less drunk friends, helpful strangers, flirting with strong looking dudes, and luring them out with the promise of food. Make sure everybody is buckled in and that all open containers get left behind because getting pulled over is not conducive to getting everybody out of your car before they start vomiting.

_ Santana had to find the last of the four Cheerios who rode with her though, after a tedious look through all of the bedrooms she eventually found Slutty Maggie making out with Azimo in the laundry room and after a quick struggle she hot her strapped into the car with only mild whining._

That is really the most important thing to remember that even though you can have fun, if you've committed yourself to being the sober one you have to be responsible. As funny as they are with their nonsensical ramblings and poor life choices they are actually fully grown humans who can get themselves seriously hurt. At the end of the night when your loading another drunk friend into your car remind yourself that you are the only thing standing between them and either death or a night in the slammer. Not to mention they will owe you big in the future, so the next time your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere or you need somebody to pee in a cup for you they really have no choice but to help you.

_ Santana finished her homework that Sunday with a grin, that uptight bitch Ms. Lamula was going to shit herself a brick over this one. _


End file.
